Eight To-Do's Before Baby Number Two

8  To-Do's before Baby Number Two

Another reason why I haven't written much in the past months is because parenting two kids under the age of two is a lot of work.  But I am so proud to announce, that we have done it!  We have made it through our daughter's first year with our health and sanity intact.  Despite dire warnings from other parents, well-meaning family members, casual acquaintances, our neighbours, and everyone else who thought to scare us about the perils of having babies so close together, it really wasn't too bad.  I think we did a lot of things right.  I think we made some mistakes that others might learn from.  While it is fresh in my mind I'll try to pass on some of our best advice about having two babies under the age of two.

I'll start with what we did to prepare for Baby Girl's arrival.  

1.  Meals in the Freezer.  I did this when I was pregnant with Little Will, and I found it so helpful that as we approached Baby Girl's due date that I stocked the freezer with no less than 6 months of pre-prepared food.  We have a vacuum sealer, which is what made this possible.  It extends the life of your stored food by quite a bit.  Each vacuum sealed pack had either a precooked entree or something that I could throw into the slow cooker earlier in the day.  I included enough servings in each for an evening meal, and lunches the next day.  

2.  Stock up on easy snacks for your first born.  We are big fans of homemade, unprocessed food around here.  Generally, you won't even find breakfast cereal on our shelves, and I make our own bread.  However, when you think through what everyone will eat after baby arrives, focus on things that are easy and quick to prepare.  We bought lots of snacks that our little guy could handle on his own, with little assistance.  They were generally healthy - Cheerios, berries (don't need to be cut up), cheese string and unpeeled bananas were good options.  Some days I would put these items out on a child sized table with his sippy cup.  Throughout the morning, Little Will would help himself if he was hungry.  It wasn't how we normally did things, but he seemed to enjoy the novelty and it was less stressful than trying to fix a snack from scratch while Baby Girl nursed off and on throughout the day. If you love to cook from scratch, and you have time, muffins are a great option to prepare too while waiting for baby.

  

3.  Organization.  Each day during my pregnancy I picked one small thing to organize - a drawer, a corner of the closet, a pile of papers...  By the time Baby Girl arrived, our house was much better organized and stayed that way for much of her first year.  

4.  Simplify.  We also started culling or storing any belongings that we did not use on a regular basis, or that we thought we would not be using over the next year.  This really reduced the number of material possessions that I had to manage as I focused on my kids.  

5.  Reduce the number of your other responsibilities as much as possible.  We made no commitments for this year.  Whenever someone asked us to sign up for something, we just told them that we wanted to see how things were going with the new baby before we agreed to anything new.  We even went as far as to reduce our current responsibilities.  For example, my mother-in-law took care of our dog for about 3 months after Baby Girl was born.  Any small thing you take off your plate will be appreciated when it gives you more time to focus on your little ones and your own self care. 

6.  Talk to your spouse about how they will help you.  My husband is a good man.  If you make a reasonable argument about equality and sharing household responsibilities, he's on board with that. Since I decided to do the stay-at-home mommy gig for a few years, he's also been incredibly supportive.  However, with this support there has also been an assumption that I will take care of all housekeeping and cooking responsibilities, as well as the bulk of the childcare responsibilities.  Which is fair.  I firmly believe, though, that most parents with a newborn baby should expect help from their spouse, and I did not receive much help when Little Will was born.  I made it clear to him, before Baby Girl was born, what I expected from him.  This time around we had fewer arguments related to housekeeping, and he basically took care of Little Will when he was home, giving me tonnes of time to bond with and care for Baby Girl.  

6.  If relatives or friends offer you help in the first few months, take it.  My mother was particularly generous with her time.  Before Baby Girl was born she had already planned on coming out to help for a few days or even a week.  However, after I had a C-section and could not lift Little Will or anything else heavier than 10 pounds, I was immensely grateful knowing that I would have extra help and support.  Mom ended up staying for about 3 weeks, and my husband took time off of work to help out.  I know that not everyone is so lucky to have such a supportive family, but if someone offers to help you out, take them up on it!  Even if you think you'll be able to manage, you never know how your labor and recovery will go.  You won't know the temperament of your baby in advance, or how her sleep patterns will affect yours.  NEVER say no to help.  This is true of any new baby, but I think doubly true when you have other young children in the family.  

7.   Go on a shopping spree!  Hit the mall before the new baby is there, but go with a list.  Make sure everyone has lots of socks and underwear.  Stock up on shampoo, conditioner, cleaning products, paper towel, toilet paper... You don't want to be making an emergency shopping trip in the first couple of weeks, and you don't want your life to be made any harder by something silly like running out of a product that is essential to a well-run home.  

8.  Prepare your older child.  In the months before your baby is born, explain to your first born about babies and what is going to happen... at least as much as you can.  Having two little ones close together may limit how much your first born is going to be able to understand.  My Will was 20 months old when his sister arrived on the scene, and his language was very slow in coming.  We knew that he seemed to understand quite a bit, but had little to say.  I think we only had about 20 words around that time, so we didn't know what he was expecting.  That being said, Will seemed completely unfazed by Baby Girl's arrival.  He seemed to understand who she was, and grinned broadly whenever someone mentioned "Will's new sister."  Do what you can to explain.  I pointed out babies at the grocery store, and then would point to my tummy and explain yet again about the baby that would soon be joining our family.  We looked a picture books.  We looked through his baby book.  By and large, though, the thing that seemed to get through to him the most was youtube.  Lots of people put family videos online, and some of these include older siblings welcoming their baby sister or brother into the world.  He LOVED this.  At the time we weren't letting him watch t.v., but I made an exception.  I highly recommend it.  We found many cute clips, but this one of a baby sister welcoming her new little brother was Will's favourite:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5k16AS-JjA

You may also want to help your older child to be as independent as possible before the new baby arrives.  I worked towards this, but only as much as felt natural to expect from Little Will.  Luckily for me, he was going through a fairly typical phase of wanting to do things himself as much as possible.  I encouraged him to learn how to climb into his high chair and his carseat (with me spotting him of course), and after the C-section I was really glad that we had done this.  He also had been feeding himself finger food, but we moved on to working with a spoon so that he was able to feed himself just about any kind of food on his own with minimal assistance.  

I have lots more to say about how to help your older child to adapt to being a big brother or sister, but that is a post for another day.  I hope this helps, and would love to hear your advise on how you prepared for a new baby in your home.  What was the best thing you did before baby arrived on the scene?  

It's been a while...

It's been quite some time since I last wrote here on Pine Cones and Crayons.  I lost steam.  I began to question why I was doing this in the first place.  Was it a case of personal catharsis?  Did I hope that this blog would eventually become widely read, even profitable?  I'm really not sure.

In the end, though, perhaps it doesn't really matter.  I'll write because I love to write and because a part of me still believes that this is what I was born to do.  I'll write about whatever I want, too.  That's the beauty of a blog.  It's `one of the very few forums where you have complete freedom and license to put your thoughts on paper.  Worst case scenario, no one reads what you have to say.  But at least you've sent those words out into the universe.

And I may not know exactly what I am going to get out of writing this, but I do know who I am writing for and what I hope to give them.  I am writing for everyone out there who found themselves in mommyhood and then thought, "what am I supposed to do?"  This is for anyone who looked into their child's eyes and wanted to know how to make their childhood something special.  This is for anyone who has taken on the monumental challenge of shaping a life and a future.  For these people, I hope to give my ideas and my inspiration, but also let them know that they are enough.

Less is More - My Commitment to Get Rid of the Clutter

I recently read "Simplicity Parenting" by Kim John Payne.  It was well worth it.  This is a kind of "less is more" approach to parenting.  What really struck me was his ideas about "too much stuff".  Payne attests that too many belongings, too much visual clutter, and too many toys are actually harmful to a child's development.  He suggests that parents cull their children's collection of toys, and even books, to a manageable number of favourites and open-ended play things.

This isn't the first place I've heard this sentiment.  I read this article on Ruth Soukup's blog about a year ago, entitled "Why I took my kids’ toys away (& why they won’t get them back)."  Read the full article at http://www.livingwellspendingless.com/2012/09/14/why-i-took-all-my-kids-toys-away-why-they-wont-get-them-back/#HKPYLtBByRkqEIzo.99  This article was quite controversial and elicited a flurry of comments and conversations.  I can't say that I would ever go as far as she did, but I'm definitely onside with why she did this.  

My husband also supports this idea.  Growing up, he didn't have a lot of toys, but this is actually something that he values about his childhood.  Having fewer toys forced him to use his imagination more, head outdoors more and value what he had.  Nothing makes him happier than seeing our son absorbed in playing with pile of leaves or sand or even dirt, because that's what he remembers fondly from his childhood.  

It would be hypocritical of me to focus on just Little Will's toys and ignore the clutter throughout our house.  I've always been bad about managing clutter, my husband not much better, and the fact that we are living in a smaller portion of our home during renovations makes the "excess" all the more obvious.  So, if less is more, than perhaps before adding anything to our space I need to take a number of things away.  I'll update you on how this goes.  Operation Simplify is about to begin...

So, my goals thus far:
  1.  Simplify!
  2.  Spend more time in nature
  3.  Art work everyday
  4.  Read everyday

If this is all I do, I'll still feel very good about it.  

Phase 1 and 2 of Toilet Training

My friend, Jolene, has two kids, and she has toilet training pretty much figured out.  Both of her kids were potty trained (at least during the day) by 18 months without tears and frustration.  When it was time for Little Will to start using the potty, I sat her down and asked her to divulge her secrets.  Her are the 5 phases of Toilet Training, according to Jolene.

Phase 1:  Introduce the potty but keep all clothes on.  This first stage is really just getting the child comfortable with the potty itself and to get them sitting on it.  She described her kids dragging the potty from room to room like it was there little friend.

Phase 2:  Naked time.  Take off the diaper.  Learn to get pees and poops into the potty and not on the floor (less stressful if you have hard-wood floors).  Jolene would get her kids to sit on their potty while watching a cartoon or during story time, and eventually pee or poop would go into the potty and her kids made the connection.  Will was old enough that we were able to explain it to him, but we also did lots of stories while he sat on the potty.

Phase 3:  Put underwear or some sort of training pants on child and teach them how to put on/remove underwear.  Continue to encourage use of the potty.  This will be the next stage for Will.

Phase 4:  Work on using potty while fully dressed.

Phase 5:  Night time toilet training - a whole other ball game.  I'll post on this when we get to this phase.

So, Little Will has completed phase 1 and 2 of Jolene's Potty Training Program :).  We actually started him at 23 months, but it wasn't going well and so we decided to take a break and come back to it.  At 25 months, just over the age of 2, Will is doing much better.  During this second try we've only had a few little accidents on the floor and feel comfortable enough letting him on furniture with no diaper on. We place his potty where it will be handy for him when he needs it.  If he's playing in his room, I place his potty next to him.  If he's in the kitchen, same thing.  It reduces the amount of time it takes between realizing that he needs to pee and actually sitting on the potty.

 If you are worried about your carpet or upholstery, I would still recommend having some naked time.  Maybe you could do naked time for an hour in an uncarpeted room of the house, or go outside if it's warm enough.  Going "bare bottom" seems to help the child connect the bodily sensation with pee or poop actually coming out (wearing a diaper takes away the need for such a connection).

I'll post more on this as we go, but so far I think that this type of potty training is the way to go.

The best and the worst of breastfeeding

My daughter was born in June. She picked up nursing like a charm and has been doing it contentedly ever since. I love nursing her. I love the cuddles, the dreamy look on her face, and the pause it brings to my day. When I nurse her, I can feel myself relaxing too. It does so many good things for her: giving her ideal nutrition, and extra protection against illness and disease. It's safe to say that I'm in the pro-breastfeeding camp. Breast is Best, as they say - no arguments here.

I felt this way long before we had Little Will, and when I became pregnant with him I knew we would be breastfeeding. Within our group of friends, almost everyone had started out nursing their babies, but quite a few had stopped after one month or three or four. I was adamant that I would nurse for at least a year. I couldn't see any reason why this wouldn't be the case. Low breast milk? My body would produce what my baby needed. Painful? I have a very high pain tolerance – I could certainly put up with some discomfort. Most of all, I'm persistent. If I said I would do it, I would. In my mind it was as simple as that.

We started having problems in the first few days. Will had a tough time latching, and when he did finally latch it was excruciating. The nurses at the hospital offered advice, and because of them I was able to at least begin nursing, but the pain and the difficulty with latching didn't end when I went home. Eventually, a pediatrician diagnosed him with a tongue tie and promptly had it clipped. Things improved, a little, but there was still a lot of pain and some difficulty with latching. I made many, many visits to the lactation clinic. My lactation consultant thought he may have developed some bad “sucking habits” with the tongue tie. The result of all this difficulty was that my nipples were completely raw and cracked. Every time I nursed the cracks reopened and I often bled, and the pain continued. Not quite the relaxing bonding experience I was hoping for, but again I vowed to persist. Nursing was too important, too beneficial for my little one, for me to give up. I continued nursing, and things got worse.

I got a horrid breast infection which went from bad to worse. My breasts became incredibly engorged, but I couldn't seem to empty them out enough to make a difference. They were about three times their normal size and turned purple like they were bruised all over. I visited doctors constantly. My family doctor suspected that my breast infection had developed into abcesses – little pockets of infection that would need to be removed surgically – but they couldn't find any evidence of them on ultrasound. Eventually they got so bad that they actually ruptured and this horrid puss started to leak from a hole in my breast – or perhaps erupt is a better word. Sorry if I'm grossing you out. It was much worse in person, trust me.

After all of this, and surgery to remove abcesses in both breasts, my doctor asked me to wait a couple of months to heal afterwards. When I tried to nurse Will again after all of that time had passed, I had no milk to give him. So I started pumping every few hours to bring it back, but it didn't work.

The good news is that Will flourished on formula. He was a little guy from the start, and still is, but with his difficulties latching he really wasn't getting enough breastmilk from me to meet his nutritional needs. Even though I was not thrilled to have to give him formula instead of breastmilk, I was really grateful for this alternative.

So, after hearing my story, I'm sure you can understand why I was nervous about nursing Baby Girl. I figured that at least some of those problems would be repeated with her. She is now 5 months old, and so far no pain, no nipple damage, no breast infections... I'm almost starting to get hopeful that this time nursing is going to work. I'm still in the “Breast is Best” camp, but sometimes “Breast” is simply not a possibility. Sometimes, formula is the best for you and your baby, and I can say that because of what I've been through. I've experienced one of the worst case scenarios. I can say, though, that I've also experienced one of the best. If you've had problems with nursing in the past, I would encourage you to try again with your next child if you can. It's totally worth it. If it doesn't work out, though, don't beat yourself up. Your job is to find the situation that will keep both of you healthy and sane.

As I write this, Baby Girl is at my breast. She's sucking contentedly, sometimes looking up at me with her big, trusting eyes. This is what nursing is supposed to be like, and I'm so grateful to have this experience. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Absolutely.   

Good advise is golden

If there were but one piece of advice I could give you, dear reader, it would be this: beware the person who gives you hard and fast rules for parenting.  That is, those people who tell you that this is the way you "should" parent, or that all babies/children should be doing this or be treated in this way, or anyone who gives you any absolutes about parenting at all.

First of all, definitely mistrust this type of advice when it comes from someone who is not yet a parent.  People often joke that they knew everything there was to know about parenting until they actually had kids.  It's funny... kind of.  I can't be the only one, though, who's been told how to parent my kids by people who have not actually experienced parenthood themselves.  Probably the worst example of this I can think of was right after Little Will was born.  He had his days and nights confused, and I was beyond exhausted.  A friend of mine was not yet a mother, but she wanted to be and so had put considerable thought into how she would be parenting her children.  Her advice: just let him cry it out.  So simple, in her mind.  I'm not hard core when it comes to this sort of thing, but I've never been super comfortable with this strategy.  And there was no way, at that point, that I would let my fragile little newborn cry without attempting to comfort him.  Not to mention that my husband did not like "cry it out" at all, so it was simply not an option for us.  My friend was a little insensitive on this matter. Not only did she keep repeating this advice like it was the most obvious thing in the world, but every time she saw my poor, sleep deprived face she would say it again with a tone suggesting that my suffering was self-imposed.  

Fast-forward approximately 2 years into the future.  Her little one was born, and right from the beginning she began sleep training.  I said not a word on the issue.  I think some kids sleep train easier than others, and so it could very well have worked out for her.  Her child, however, was not a particularly good sleeper.  He cried... and cried... and cried... until my friend (who despite her hard words, is really kind of a softy) relented.  At 17 months, he is still not sleeping through the night.  She recently asked me how we got Little Will to sleep through the night (he finally started doing this consistently at about 11 months).  I'm afraid we didn't have any advice for her.  Will started sleeping through the night on his own.  My point:  parenting seems like a very simple process until you're actually doing it.  Take the advice of non-parents with a grain of salt.  

Another danger is older people who have successfully parented their own children and believe that you are parenting your children incorrectly.  I think the danger here is simply memory.  I don't think they always remember what it was like being with young children.  They see a small child misbehave, and they tell you that their children never behaved this way.  I'm sceptical of this kind of advice.  If it's been 30 or 40 years since you last had young children in your home, how much about normal child behaviour do you really remember?  Actually, Little Will often gets complimented on his behaviour when we are out in public.  As much as I'd like to claim that it is because of our awesome parenting, I think it has more to do with his shyness.  It makes him appear well-behaved when he's really just overwhelmed by all the big people staring down at him.  I recently ran into an older couple at the doctor's office, however, who, after complimenting me on Will's behaviour, then went on to lecture me on how lax parents were being with discipline "these days," and how corporal punishment (hitting, slapping, spanking) was the only way to go.  I listened politely, and then responded that my parents had given me a very good childhood, and that my husband and I were going to use their parenting as the model.  This apparently was not good enough.  They seemed to want to hear me say that I was going to change my ways right then and there and begin the spanking immediately!  The entire time Will sat on my lap and smiled sweetly at every person who walked by and did not even make a peep.  Sigh!  Some people like to hear their own voice I think.  

I'm sure there are some absolutes... practices generally considered to be child abuse by most people.  What I'm talking about here are the things we do to discipline our kids, get them to sleep, comfort them, and how some people need to tell you that you're doing it wrong even if it is working for you.  

On the other hand, advise from people whom you respect as parents, and who don't ram the advise down your throat, that advise is pure gold.  If you don't have someone like this in your life, find them.  My friend Jolene is like this.  We aren't on the same page with all aspects of parenting, but I feel like she respects the way I raise my children as much as I respect hers.  She rarely gives unsolicited advise, and often starts her advise with "this worked for me."  Her advise about toilet training Little Will, for example, was invaluable.  I'll be posting more on this later.  

My mom is another person whose advise I value.  She and my father gave me and my brother an amazing childhood.  If I even come close to be the mother she was for me, then I'll consider myself a success.  When I ask my mom for advise, though, she's always a little bit careful to tell me what to do.  Sometimes she simply says that she doesn't remember - it was 30 years ago after all.  When she does give advise, she often starts with "this worked for me" as well.  

Advise is wonderful when it's given by good parents who seek only to help you and not to bolster their own ego or prove they have it all figured out. People who give advise this way are the best friends a weary mommy (or daddy) could have.  Seek these people out.  Ask them for their parenting tricks, secrets and suggestions.  And those other people... just smile and nod, and then continue to parent however you see fit.  In parenting, there are few absolute rules.  You do what works for you, your kids,  your spouse and your situation.  You find those strategies that help you and yours to thrive as a family.  If it works, if it makes life easier for your family, and if it brings out the best in each family member, then it was good advise.  Keep doing it, and don't listen to those who say otherwise.

Why I started this blog

Why a blog?  There certainly seem to be a lot of mommy blogs out there.  There's a number of reasons why I thought this would be a good idea.  Here are a few:

1.  I read a lot.  Or at least, I used to read a lot.  Now I read as much as a person with two young kiddos is able to.  But that's still a lot when you have a little baby to nurse.  As a consequence, I have all these ideas rolling around in my head.  I feel like a blog would help me to organize some of my thoughts.  If someone else benefits from my process, wonderful!  Which brings me to my second reason...

2.  Mothering, particularly for us stay-at-homers, can be kind of lonely.  I feel like this blog is a message in a bottle.  I'm throwing it into the ocean.  Hopefully someone will read it, connect, and let me know that they're out there too, and that something I said resonated with them.

3.  I used to write, and I miss it.

4.  I've been looking for ideas to do with my kids, but I usually end up feeling overwhelmed rather than inspired by what people are doing.  I'm going to try, though, to take some of these ideas, process them and turn these ideas into something lovely for my family.  And if I am successful in this, I'd like to think that I've helped others to do the same.

I don't know who you are.  I don't know what brought you to my site.  I'm glad you're here though.  I hope that something I say or suggest or question makes you feel less alone.  And I hope that you are inspired to begin a similar journey.